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	Broadcast and Computer Jokes
	The Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St Paul are divided by the Mississippi River, but united in the feeling that inhabitants on the other side of the river are inferior.

An optimist says the glass is half empty. A pessimist says the glass is half full. An engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Fred, I like your shirt.  Keep on wearing it.  One of these days it will be back in style.  Yield to temptation; It may not pass your way again. Advice:  If you come to a fork in the road, go that way Two hydrogen atoms that were walking down the street together. The first one said to the second, "I feel terrible, I have lost an electron." The second one said, "Are you sure?" The first one replied, "Yes, I am positive!" There is more bad news for Prince Charles.  A recent medical study showed that the older you get, the larger your ears get.

Engineer:

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."  The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."  Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?"  The engineer said, "Look I`m an engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that`s cool." (from A.J. and Julie Fridgen of Shelly, MN.  thebest@rrv.net)

Q:  What do you call a person who works with digital? A:  A two-bit engineer. The Seagate building in Minneapolis is located near Computer Avenue on Disc Drive.

I am positive about the negative, but I am a little negative about the positive.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.  "You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist.  "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."  "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
You know what http:// actually stands for
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
You see a good design and still have to change it
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
You window shop at Radio Shack
You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geo-synchronous satellite
You know what the geo-synchronous satellite function is
Your checkbook always balances
Your laptop computer costs more than your car
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 1 GHz Pentium
You've already calculated how much you make per second
You've ever repaired a $5 radio

Three guys are waiting to get into heaven. Peter asks the first man, "How much money did you make?" The man responds, "$250,000." "Really, what did you do to make that kind of money?"  "I was a lawyer" the man answers.  "Very well, you can come in..."  Peter asks the second man the same question.  "I made $279,000 last year," he says.  "And what did you do to make that money?" asks Peter. "I was a doctor." "You did well...come on in!"  Finally, Peter reaches the third man and asks the question again. The man proudly states, "I made $17,500 last year!" "Really," Peter responds, "and what were the call letters?"

SUBJECT: Application for Minnesotizenship 

 Personal Information:

  Name ___________-son
  Sex: ___ Ole ___ Lena
  Home Address ______________
  Cabin Address ________________
  Religion: Lutheran______ Other______

  Income:

  We do OK ____
  We're Blessed ____
  None of your  beeswax

Qualifications: (check all that apply)

  ___ I own a gas powered ice auger.
  ___ Fargo hit a little close to home.
  ___ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.
  ___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk.  ___ I liked it!
  ___ I've been to a block party.
  ___ My first beer was a Hamm's.
  ___ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.
  ___ I have a back up set of jumper cables in my trunk.
  ___ Despite what everyone else says I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!

      True/ False:

  ___ I actually listen to telemarketers.
  ___Have a Nice Day is an ORDER!
  ___TV news anchors are celebrities.
  ___Grumpy Old Men is a documentary.
  ___Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere.
  ___It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band.

      Multiple Choice:

It's time to wear a hat when:

  A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.
  B) The temperature is 10 and the wind chill is in double digits.
  C) Your mother tells you to!

    Essay Questions:

  Why I think eelpout makes a good festival .
  What "uff-da" means to me.

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page last edited 05/11/2008